Just in time for Valentine’s day, here’s my Top 5 Best (probably the worst) Valentine’s Day presents I hope you never receive. (Some of these may be actually be worth giving, depending on the sense of humor of your sweetheart.)
#5 Anus Chocolates.
Perfect for those who like to, ahem, bite dat ass. That’s right. An English artist took the time to have someone’s asshole molded and made handmade chocolate truffles out of it. As it says on their site, it’s the “perfect gift for friends or enemies.” Flavors include meek milk, dilated dark, tight white and corn.
#4 50 Shades of ANYTHING.
The products are everywhere whether you like it or not. Wines, ties, toys, weekend getaways — so much damn sexy merch available now since (some) people went apeshit over the books.
Listen to me. If you really love her… don’t do it. Just be better in bed. M’kay? But… if you must, cock rings and sexy time toys now available at Target.
No, not the movie Her (though that would probably be a better present), I mean, give her… HER. Yep. You can now get your lady pal a 3D printed chocolate model of HER FACE. Because what narcissistic, selfie loving gal wouldn’t love a miniature made of herself?
Better yet, have one of your own face made. That way, when she’s mad at you (like, for those times when you give her a shitty chocolate made in your image) she can literally bite your head off.
You send her poop via iMessage on the regular, so why not gift her with a lovely emoji poop pillow so she can rest her head on some happy poo poo while she dreams about all the boyfriends she’d rather be dating — you know, those who probably wouldn’t gift her with a poop pillow for Valentine’s Day.
#1 Brief Jerky.
This one gives new meaning to the term, salty balls.
Does your lady LOVE meat? Maybe she’s into Crossfit or eats a strict Paleo diet or some hardcore shit like that. If so, this just may be the perfect gift: A step-by-step instructional for making beef jerky underwear. Sure, it seems like a lot of work. And yeah, it would probably make your crotch itch. But nothing, and I mean nothing, says I LOVE YOU! more than a gift of meat panties. Except for maybe, a chocolate anus.
Psst — No, really though, just get her flowers. Works every time.